Posts Tagged ‘Jail’

BUSTED

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

Douchey McChinpubes is in custody! Put one in the win column for the good guys!

When asked for a comment about his arrest, McChinpubes said “I am totally sad and stuff that I won’t be able to make a mockery of the service and sacrifice of US service members by parading around as one when I didn’t earn it… but at least where I’m going suits my lifestyle!”
Now you may be asking yourself, “how does Sniper feel about this?” Well, kinda like this…

Except I don’t dance as well.

H/T to Nixon for the dance video.

Hey, Hey, Hey… It’s Gaaaaatt Albert!

Monday, August 10th, 2009

fatalbertOkay, his name’s not Albert, but he is fat and he did have a gat…

HOUSTON – An obese inmate in Texas has been charged after officials learned he had a gun hidden under flabs of his own flesh.

Twenty-five-year-old George Vera was charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility after he told a guard at the Harris County Jail about the unloaded 9mm pistol. The Houston Chronicle reported Thursday that Vera was originally arrested on charges of selling illegal copies of compact discs.

Just imagine having to be the prison guard that had to reach up into his rolls of fat to get the gun out. Start uncontrollable shuddering in three, two, one…

Par For The Course So Far

Monday, February 9th, 2009

Apparently some people don’t consider it to be “art” when you spray paint pictures on their property. If I said that this surprised me one bit I would be lying through my teeth.

WASHINGTON (AFP) – The artist who created the iconic pop-art portrait which became the unofficial logo for Barack Obama’s insurgent White House bid, has been arrested in Boston for defacing property with graffiti, US media reported.
Artist Shepard Fairey was arrested in Boston late Friday on warrants for defacing property with graffiti, the Boston Herald and other media outlets reported.
I guess there is a difference between “art” and “destroying private property by tagging it with unwanted, unsolicited propaganda”. I guess maybe that $50 million for the NEA that they squirreled into the stimulus package is set aside for legal defense funds and bail money.

I Heart Joe Arpaio, DMX Does Not

Thursday, January 22nd, 2009

Looks like Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio has come up with the cure for DMX’s addiction to jail. The hip-hop star and repeat offender, like all of Arpaio’s other inmates in the Maricopa county jail, must wear pink t-shirts, underwear and socks. The girlie wardrobe colors caught DMX by surprise. “This is ridiculous, this is disrespectful,” DMX said with a sarcastic laugh during an interview with My Fox Phoenix. “Why the pink?”

Well, Mr. X (or can I call you D for short?), it seems that the justice system finds your recidivist tendencies more disrespectful than Sheriff Joe’s pink undies policy. Don’t worry though… I’m sure one of your fellow inmates might find them attractive.

Mmmmm, she sure is.

Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

Friday, January 16th, 2009

Yes, as a matter of fact we do.

LONDON — A British judge has sentenced former Culture Club frontman Boy George to 15 months in jail after he was convicted of falsely imprisoning a male escort.

I can list off a ton of reasons why I would love to see this washed up slag suffer, but here are the major ones:

1. When I was 13 he paraded around on MTV looking, singing, and acting like a girl. Any 13 year old boy thinks any girl is cute and therefore he made me gay by proxy until I found out was a dude-like person. It was like a long-distance, third person Crying Game.

2. His overblown sense of entitlement and his overblown assessment of his influence in this world. One time he actually had the nerve to try to get a judge to let him do a musical PSA about drugs instead of picking up trash on the streets as his community service for cocaine possession charges. If I was a kid and I saw him singing in a video in an attempt to get me to not to do drugs, I would take as many as possible in an effort NOT to end up like him. Douchebag. 3. His over-estimated sense of value for his music or “performance art”. Nobody wants to see some bald homo covered in clown bukake prancing around on a stage and trying desperately to channel an Andy Warhol/Liberace undead love sandwich. His art sucks, his music sucks, his attitude sucks, and now apparently… 4. His prostitute etiquette sucks. You just don’t go around imprisoning your escorts (gay or straight, male or female). That’s just rude… unless they specialize in that sort of thing, of course.

I don’t want to come off sounding homophobic here because I’m not. I don’t care if you’re gay. I don’t care if you’re a freak show. I don’t care if you’re an artist or whatever. But don’t try to tell the world that just because you’re gay AND you’re a freak show that you’re an artist.

As I said, just because you’re gay and a freak show it doesn’t make you an artist or important. Birds of a feather… I rest my case.

Well Duh

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

BLOOMFIELD, Ind. (Nov. 20) – Three male and three female inmates at a southern Indiana jail face charges that they devised a way to sneak between cell blocks to help pass their time behind bars by having sex.

The inmates figured out how to remove metal ceiling panels in the Greene County Jail and used the passageway more than a dozen times in September and October, according to court documents.

The men — ages 44, 38 and 17 — and the women — ages 27, 26 and 21 — crawled through the ceiling after midnight, having sexual encounters and drinking homemade alcohol that was found hidden in the male cell block, a police affidavit said.

One male inmate who was not charged said the female inmates would “hang-out, play cards or have sex with some of the male inmates” in their cell block, the affidavit said.
The men were 44, 38, and 17 and they were hooking up with 20 year olds? These aren’t criminals, these are heroes. Heroes I tell you! Not only did they manage to hook up while they were locked up, but in two cases they managed to hook up with women almost half their age. And these aren’t bad looking women… in fact, the majority of them could be described as above average. One of them (yes, among the two thirds previously mentioned) even looks a little bit like our very own Caro from USO Girls… not that Caro would ever do that sort of thing, but she is quite striking.

The article has pics of the guys too and as you can see, these guys really are not the epitome of the male model. In fact, their cred goes up in my book because not only did they do everything I mentioned before, but they had the additional handicap of looking like goalies for a dart team. Good goalies. Really good goalies.

In short, I commend these condemned men for the moxie, their ingenuity, their suave skills, and their taste… but not so much for their foresight. I hope the sex was worth the felony escape charges boys.
H/T to BtFMC

Because If We Don’t Demonize You, People Might Look At Us A Bit More Closely

Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

The Associated Press loves to use aggrandizing headlines and shock tactics to get people to read their particular brand of drivel and sway people toward their thinly veiled political platforms as a matter of standard operating procedure, so the following lead paragraph from a recent AP story did not shock me in the least…

McALLEN, Texas – Vice President Dick Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales have been indicted on state charges involving federal prisons in a South Texas county that has been a source of bizarre legal and political battles under the outgoing prosecutor.

Now, the average reader in America would only get about that far and then start yammering on about how corrupt Cheney is and how Gonzales should be thrown in the clink with all of his peer criminals (you know, like murderers and rapists and conservatives) and have the key thrown away. The above average American, however, would choose to read further and try to discern just what the heck is going on here. I lump myself in with the latter group and therefore I read more of the story…

The indictment returned Monday has not yet been signed by the presiding judge, and no action can be taken until that happens.

Ah. So, they haven’t really been indicted because the judge hasn’t signed the order and most likely he probably won’t because most likely he is not a grandstanding local DA with political aspirations. So the local DA gets a wild hair and puts in a request to indict and, even without an authorizing signature on the order, the AP jumps on it like a hero on a grenade… no, more like junkie on a packet of heroin.

But still, I’ve got an inquisitive nature and I long for justice as much as the next guy, so if there really are bad goings-on at the hands of our current VP and our former US Attorney General I want to know about it and I want it dealt with accordingly, so I read on…

Guerra said the prison-related charges against Cheney and Gonzales are a national issue and experts from across the country testified to the grand jury.

A “national issue”?!? Wow, that sounds really important now! I better keep reading and find out what all this “national issue” business is…

Cheney is charged with engaging in an organized criminal activity related to the vice president’s investment in the Vanguard Group, which holds financial interests in the private prison companies running the federal detention centers. It accuses Cheney of a conflict of interest and “at least misdemeanor assaults” on detainees because of his link to the prison companies.

Okay, you lost me there. So because Dick Cheney has investments in a company which holds interests in other companies that administer jails in a various states, then Cheney himself is personally responsible for assaults on detainees because of a “link to prison companies”? What they hell are they talking about?!? He’s at least four places removed from any wrongdoing and they want to nail him to the wll for federal MISDOMEANOR charges? Gimme a break! Talk about guilt by association! I guess guilt by association is only off the table when the ties are much closer, when the ties are with known terrorists (Ayers? Is there a “Bill Ayers” in the house?), and Barack Obama is the target of those allegations.

Let’s just suppose for a second the sort of fourth handle accountability that they’re talking about isn’t off the table. Let’s say that you should be culpable for the actions of people tangentially related to you in government or in business. If that were the case, then Bill Clinton would be personally culpable for mass murder due to the bungled handling of the Branch Davidian fiasco in Waco, Texas at the hands of federal agents under the command of Janet “torch the town” Reno. Barack Obama would be personally responsible for all of the ACORN voter registration fraud because he has not only worked for but benefitted from and has served as benefactor for ACORN. But we all know that that isn’t going to happen.

In today’s us vs. them society where the liberally dominated media defines what is fact and what is fiction, there is scant little hope for any actual justice anymore. The best we can hope for is that eventually the hysteria and derangement syndrome that surrounds the current administration will die down and people will start looking past the hype and start actually dialing in on the facts.

We need to move past the recent “hope hype” and get down to the only real hope that America has anymore… the hope that people will start reading past the first paragraph.

Sharia Law And Generation Slacker

Friday, October 17th, 2008

LAGOS (Reuters) – A father took his 20-year old son to an Islamic court in northern Nigeria for idleness, asking that he be sent to prison for refusing to engage in productive activities, state news agency NAN said on Friday.

“He is not listening to words and he is bringing shame to my family. I am tired of his nefarious deeds. Please put this boy in prison so that I can be free,” Sama’ila Tahir, a market trader in the northeastern town of Bauchi, was quoted as saying.
Tahir told the court that his son had refused to go to school and accused him of belonging to a criminal gang.
The court sentenced the son to six months in prison and 30 strokes of the cane — which were immediately administered on the premises — for being disobedient to his parents, NAN said.
That’s right hippies… you might want to quit protesting in defense of that legal system here and get your hemp-encrusted asses working before you get caned. On the other hand, how great would it be to watch the patchoulli oil flying off the unwashed dreads of hundreds of idle protesters as the canes came down?

H/T to WayOdd.com for the pic

May I Suggest A Car Tarp And A Chain?

Monday, August 25th, 2008

Lawyers in the U.S. are wondering how to deal with a weighty problem.

A woman is accused of killing her two-year-old nephew but prosecutors in Texas do not yet know how to get her to jail and court — because she weighs nearly half a ton.
Mayra Lizbeth Rosales, from La Jola, Texas, is bedridden and weighs nearly 1,000 lbs.

But she cannot get through her front door to be taken to jail and, later, court.

A grand jury has already agreed she should face charges of murder and injury in connection with the death of Eliseo Gonzalez Jr.
He died while in her care in March and the 27-year-old is accused of killing her nephew with two blows to the head.
Okay, here are some suggestions:
1. Have her extradited to the Pacific Ocean where she would face a Cetacean Court and a jury of her real peers.
2. Remove all of the amenities from her house, post a guard, and put one bar in the middle of the door (let’s face, if she can’t get through the door itself, one bar in the middle is more than due diligence as far as security is concerned) and she can sit there eating Jenny Craig until she’s down to say, 500lbs.
3. Knock out a wall, drag her outside, hoist her on a truck, haul her to jail, chain her to the ground, cover her with a tarp, and give her a SlimFast shake a day.
And before anyone gets on my case about “innocent until proven guilty”, I understand that… I just don’t like morbidly obese people. If convicted of killing her nephew, Rosales could possibly face the death penalty. In Texas, lethal injection is usually administered with a needle, but in this case would be administered with a harpoon.
The local sheriff at Hidalgo County, Lupe Trevino, says it would be impossible to keep her in jail pending her trial because she needs extensive medical care.
So, currently, the lady remains at large.

Sorry, You Gave Up Those Rights When You Went To Jail

Thursday, January 17th, 2008


GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. — A woman whose husband was once incarcerated at the Mesa County jail has filed a claim of at least $100,000 against the county, saying jailers distributed nude photos she’d sent him.
(Jessica) Duran says her privacy and civil rights were violated, and that she has suffered emotional distress and humiliation.
County officials say it’s standard procedure to open inmates’ mail to prevent contraband from getting into jail.
Duran says jailers distributed the photos without her knowledge or permission, or that of her husband.
Sheriff Stan Hilkey says any lawsuit against the county in this case would be meritless.
Okay, first things first. Your husband is in jail… if there is anyone to blame for emotional distress and humiliation it should be your husband. I highly doubt that the list of contraband items is kept secret from the inmates and considering that your hubby is probably in jail due to his flagrant violation of the rule of law on the grand scale, I sincerely doubt that he would have a problem violating the jail rules and roping you into his shenanigans.
Secondly, isn’t your husband being in jail in and of itself an embarrassment? Isn’t that the real humiliation? Doesn’t the embarrassment of having your husband’s jailors peruse your two dimensional ninnies pale in comparison to having your husband locked up in the first place?
Thirdly, you’re sending nudie pics to your hubby in jail. Do you really think that they have lockers or safe deposit boxes there in which to keep their valuables? Do you really think that your husband’s cell mate wasn’t going to see those pictures? Do you really believe that your scion of propriety wasn’t going to be using your lurid photos as currency to purchase cigarettes and free passes on shower rape night?
Gimme a break. This is just another case of the lowest common denominator trying to get over on the system. And in this case, I refer to both the husband and the wife. If you don’t want people to pass around naked pictures of you, don’t take naked pictures and send them to your jailbird husband. And if you really want to do your husband a favor while he’s incarcerated don’t send him nude pictures of yourself, send him some salad dressing.
As Sheriff Hilkey said, her case is “meritless”.

I Hate PETA

Saturday, January 12th, 2008

Now, I usually try to avoid giving any press to those who are obviously and blatantly pandering for it but I will make a small exception in this case. PETA is now trying to equate cannibalism (in general, the act of eating the flesh of your own kind but in this case the reprehensible criminal practice of eating the flesh of another human being) with the ancient and time honored act of hunkering down to a nice piece of cooked herd animal. I know that this isn’t the first time they’ve done this, but the tactic still annoys me to no end and drives me to a near violent rage when I consider the fact that these asshats value the life of a chicken more than they value the lives of human beings.

Their latest foray into epic idiocy? Demanding that the Smith County Jail where Christopher Lee McCuin is being held for murder and cannibalism be subjected to a totally vegetarian diet because eating animals is the same as murder and cannibalism. Okay, so the savage murder and [alleged] consumption of a sentient human being is the same as the humane and anesthetized processing of a chicken (with the cognitive powers of, well, a chicken)? Gimme a break.

I understand that this is a publicity stunt. Hell, the Eco-thugs at PETA admit that it’s a publicity stunt (although they use the term “…to raise the consciousness of the public that eating meat is cruel.”) but that still doesn’t clear them of the egregious offense of equating sentient human life with that of lesser intellects such as birds, cows, PETA members and Code Pinkers. Fer Krissakes, can’t someone install a faulty propane heater in their headquarters and pass out organic candles for them to burn in memoriam of the poor innocent cows that met their untimely demise dancing on my grill in nice Thai BBQ sauce?

Better yet, let’s just drop them in the jungle without anything but a knife and their wits and see how long they last against all of the other vegan animals. I’m sure there’s a tiger out there that only attacks tofu-beasts.

Our Broken Legal System: Part III

Wednesday, June 13th, 2007


LOS ANGELES – Paris Hilton’s parents visited their daughter after breezing past others waiting to see loved ones — an incident that raised new complaints that the heiress is receiving special treatment.

Okay, I’ll dive back into the cesspool of Hilton hype. Why do her parents get to skip the line ahead of the hoi poloi… some of whom had been waiting four hours to see their loved ones? Would it have anything to do with the fact the Hiltons are loaded and Sheriff Baca is giving them preferential treatment? Not to sound cynical, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Baca had a sweet job waiting for him as head of security for the Hilton Hotel Chains or something along those lines.

As for Princess Paris, she’s costing ten times the normal amount of money to house at the jail because of her “medical condition” than the average inmate.

Hilton was sent to a medical ward, where sheriff’s officials said it costs $1,109.78 a day to house a female inmate compared with $99.64 a day in the general population.

Mary Tiedeman, who regularly visits the jails as a monitor for the ACLU, said the area where Hilton was being housed was usually reserved for high-security inmates or those worse off than Hilton has appeared.

“I don’t know what her health issue is, but you have got to have a pretty intense medical or mental health problem to be in that part of the jail,” she said.

Can anyone say “oligarchy”?

Sarah Silverman Takes Paris Hilton To Task

Tuesday, June 5th, 2007

And the best part is that she does it right to Paris Hilton’s face at the MTV Movie awards in front of millions of people. The look on Paris’ face is PRICELESS.

Need I Say More?

Monday, June 4th, 2007

The 26-year-old heiress checked into the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood just after 11:30 p.m. Sunday. She’s expected to serve three weeks for violating her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.

Hilton turned herself in at the Men’s Central Jail in downtown Los Angeles just after 10:30 p.m., then was escorted to the all women’s facility in Lynwood, where she was booked, fingerprinted, photographed, medically screened and issued an orange top and pants, Whitmore said.

After checking in, Hilton was given her first meal: cereal, bread and juice.

Welcome to the hoi poloi, skank! Hope you like fish! AHAHAHAHA!!!

Now She’s Begging For A Pardon

Saturday, May 12th, 2007

Yup, that’s right, America’s premier uber-skank is begging the Gubernator for a pardon based on (get this) the fact that she provides “beauty and excitement to our otherwise mundane lives” and is “notable for her leading roles on the Fox reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic House Of Wax.”

Isn’t that just grand? The queen of pseudo-voyeur amateur porn (and STD awareness poster girl) is trying to circulate a petition and gather the thousands upon thousands of signatures that it would take for Arnie to pardon her at this very minute… well, her minions are at any rate. I’m guessing that she’s going to have to promise to sleep with all of the signatories in order for them to sign… and knowing her, she’ll probably make good on her offer.