To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women. Oh, and watermelon. Watermelon is also good.
Posts Tagged ‘funny’
Conan, What Is Best In Life?
Thursday, September 9th, 2010There Is Awesome…
Tuesday, September 7th, 2010
And then there is super duper mega-ironic awesome. Like this fer instance…
The Los Angeles-area Carson-Gore Academy of Environmental Sciences, named after Gore and pioneering environmentalist Rachel Carson , was built atop an environmentally contaminated piece of real estate, the Los Angeles Times reports. Some are now raising concerns that the $75.5 million school — which sits across the street from an oil well — may pose long-term health risks to its students, faculty and staff, as the groundwater beneath it is contaminated by chemicals.
Thank you, God. Thank you. Because the only thing better than the delicious irony of Al Gore using more energy in his house than most third world countries is the uberdelicious irony of the school named after him and established in the name of Environmental Sciences being located on a toxic waste site.
Awe-some.
You Get Back What You Throw Out Into The Universe
Sunday, August 15th, 2010
In this instance, I am being overly kind by saying this is a “one for one” kind of trade.
CARTERVILLE, Ill. – A sheriff says reality TV actress Tila Tequila complained that audience members pelted her with stones and feces during an outdoor music festival in southern Illinois.
Tila Tequila. If the world needed an enema, she would be what got washed out. She’s kind of like a hooker… except less attractive and with less talent.
Helloooooooooooooo Irony
Wednesday, May 5th, 2010
Charles Darwin’s family suffered from the deleterious effects of inbreeding, suggests a new study that serves as ironic punctuation to the evolutionary theorist’s life work.
Pioneer of the theory that genetic traits affect survival of both individual organisms and species, Darwin wondered in his own lifetime if his marriage to first cousin Emma Wedgwood was having “the evil effects of close interbreeding” that he had observed in plants and animals.
Okay, now that is really, really funny. He won his own award.
Some Timely Weds Demotivators
Wednesday, March 10th, 2010
Choice number 1
Choice number 2
And choice number 3. Lemme know which one you like best.
Well Isn’t That Ironic?
Friday, March 5th, 2010
Sen Roy Ashburn: “I hate gays I hate gays I hate gays I just blew a guy in a gay bar and I liked it I hate gays.”
Joining a long list of Republican legislators with a history of opposing gay rights legislation who turn out to have gay – ahem -sympathies, is State Sen. Roy Ashburn, who represents parts of central and Southern California.
According to Sacramento-based CBS13, Ashburn was “was arrested for allegedly driving drunk after leaving Faces, a gay nightclub in midtown Sacramento, early Wednesday morning. The California Highway Patrol pulled over Senator Roy Ashburn at 2:00 a.m. Wednesday after an officer noticed a black Chevy Tahoe swerving at 13th and L Streets.”
Okay, now that’s some funny right there. That would be like me screaming from the top of my lungs that I hate beer, hot wings, and scantily clad women and then getting caught walking out of Hooters. What a friggin’ hypocrite. I’ve said it a billion times before… I don’t care what floats your boat as long as it doesn’t sink mine, but don’t bitch about the boat I’m sailing when it looks exactly like yours either.
My New Favorite Sportscasters
Thursday, February 18th, 2010
Australian sports commentators Eddie McQuire and Mick Malloy. Why? Here’s their commentary after watching the men’s figure skaters perform as reported at Yahoo Sports…
As the pair discussed the men’s figure skating, Molloy said, “They don’t leave anything in the locker room, these blokes, do they?” before a sniggering McGuire interjected, adding: “They don’t leave anything in the closet, either, do they?
Molloy was quick to jokily reprimand McGuire, warning him he could get into trouble.
The network then cut to an image of a skater wearing a tuxedo-style costume, which Molloy described as something even singer Prince would not wear.
The footage then showed a skater wearing a costume of overalls and a flannelette shirt with McGuire suggesting it was “a bit of ‘Brokeback.’”
Molloy agreed, saying: “A bit of ‘Brokeback Mountain’ exercises, you can’t wear that.”
Later in the segment, Molloy apologised for that comment he had made on Tuesday night.
“I made a joke that was a bit off-colour. Some of the crew here didn’t like it either,” he said.
“I suggested that there was a disaster happening at the ice skating rink because organisers had found out one of the male ice dancers wasn’t gay.
“And I apologise for that really sincerely.”
But the apology was soon defunct as Molloy added “But it definitely wasn’t this guy” before cutting to a shot of champion American figure skater Johnny Weir wearing a pink and black outfit and holding a heart-shaped cushion.
Okay, PC, not PC, whatever… that was some seriously funny stuff.
Too Funny
Thursday, February 18th, 2010This is quite possibly the best video ever made for multiple reasons. Some NSFW language, but if you turn it down you can watch without fear of some PC-deranged middle manager coming over to your cubicle and taking away your electric pencil sharpener.
I don’t know what my very favorite part of this is:
-the punk getting his ass beat down by an old guy on city bus?
-the racist sistah in the back of the bus screaming “Beat his white ass!”?
-the same sistah saying “I got that on tape… we can press charges!” after the young-ish black dude clearly threw the first punch and the old white dude was clearly defending himself… and doing a much better job of it?
-the last scene where the bench says “Keep our city clean and safe… do your part”?
-or the fact that the dude brought a big sack full of “little sissy bitch” to a fist fight?
No matter what, this is the best thing evah.
H/T to TSO from TAH for the heads up.
I’m Changing My Name
Friday, February 5th, 2010
Prepare to feel the awesome…
A high level Pakistani diplomat has been rejected as Ambassador of Saudi Arabia because his name, Akbar Zib, equates to “Biggest Dick” in Arabic. Saudi officials, apparently overwhelmed by the idea of the name, put their foot down and gave the idea of his being posted there, the kibosh.
Wow. Just wow. I am totally changing my name to Ackbar Zib. As long as I’m pissing off jihadis, I want to really piss off jihadis. So from now on I will no longer answer to my current name (Phineas Whipsnark Dinglecrotch III)… I will only answer to Ackbar Zib. Oh, and whenever I hear a jihadi say Allahu Ackbar I will immediately respond thus: “Zib”.
H/T to the intrepid Jonn Lilyea at This Ain’t Hell
More Demotivators…
Friday, January 29th, 2010
You know the deal…
pick the favorite out of the three similar ones…
and just cringe and/or laugh at the last ones.
Man, I should probably get some professional help.
Since You All Liked The First Round Of Dead Tango Demotivators So Much…
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
You people are sick, sick, sick. Nice to meet you.
Friday Demotivators
Friday, January 22nd, 2010Same picture, different takes on a theme. Lemme know which one you like best (or dislike least)…
or maybe…
or perhaps…
The picture was brazenly stolen from Blackfive.
Hopefully they won’t get all “retribution-y” on me.
Bridget Gets Married
Saturday, January 16th, 2010Being the purveyors of exclusive material that we are, we are “live blogging” our very own Bridget the Flogging Molly Chick’s wedding to the condemned, Asking For Evidence. As I am sure you know, a picture is worth a thousand words so I will write this post in the form of a photo-journalistic expose.
First and foremost in any wedding shindig are the invitations. We here at The Sniper, although not invited to the wedding (and more precisely prevented from attending by court order) have managed to get our hands on one of the invitations and have slipped in an agent to do our on-site relay reporting for us. Here is a copy of said invitation…
We all know that people have their own, special, very personal reasons for marrying. Some marry because they believe they’ve found their soul mate. Some marry because they believe they’ve found the answer to their financial woes . Others marry because they forgot to wear a condom and they’re Catholic. Here’s a picture of BtFMC in one of her wedding dress selections. Can you guess why AFE agreed to marry her?
We have obtained a picture of Bridget in her final wedding dress selection for your viewing pleasure…
This was her original selection, but everyone thought that it was far too obvious as to what BtFMC really wanted to get out of her nuptials…
What a glowing bride she’ll be. Wait! Our agent on the inside has just reported that the ceremony is commencing and that the bride and groom are approaching the altar. Oh, and he’s also sent a photo of her lovely dress with attending 200 foot train…
but let’s face it, that’s not the longest train she’s ever pulled.
As I understand, the portion of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged is going on right now and we have not only the actual picture of the vows being exchanged but via a special camera we have a snapshot of the thoughts going through their heads as it’s going down. First, a picture of the actual vows being exchanged…
Then the snapshot of the unfurling events as they are played out in Bridget’s mind…
And the same scene from AFE’s perspective…
Now that the ceremonial part is over it is time for the reception and no reception is complete without the wedding cake. Wedding cakes are supposed be attractive, delicious, and memorable like this cake that AFE suggested…
This, however, is the cake that he got in response…
I hope you enjoy scorn flakes because I have a feeling you’ll be eating bowls and bowls of that for breakfast for a long, long time AFE. But seriously, after a few drinks and some cake the blushing bride will forget all about AFE’s poor wedding cake suggestion and they’ll both remember what it’s really all about…
Congratulations BtFMC and AFE. I hope you guys have many years of this sort of thing.
The Carbon-Neutral Crank
Friday, December 18th, 2009
The global sex toy industry is worth an annual 15 billion dollars (22 billion euros), and uses up a mountain of batteries in the process, many of which end up as toxic waste.
But now one Irish company reckons they’ve got the solution to shake up the market: a vibrator they are calling the world’s first-ever “green technology sex toy”.
The Earth Angel, described as “eight inches (20 centimetres) with a sleek white finish”, is a wind-up vibrator which comes with a handle built into the bottom.
“You just flip out the handle, grab a hold of it there, and you just wind it,” said Janice O’Connor, the co-founder with her husband Chris, of Caden Enterprises which makes the gadget.
“So for four minutes of doing that, you should generate enough power to give you 30 minutes of full-on, right-to-the top vibrations,” she told AFP.
I’ve been a huge proponent of green-technology dildos for decades… my particular favorite is one that I like to call “my penis”. If you do anything to me for four minutes in order to get me worked up, I can guarantee that you’ll get at least a half hour of full-on and right to the top in return. My penis creates none of its own waste but does help me get rid of waste products that are created by other organs. My penis is also a renewable resource… it just needs 15-30 minutes to recharge and it’s ready to go again. My penis is also “carbon neutral” most if not all of the time.
I know that my personal green-technology phallus isn’t available in all areas, but there are approximately 148,000,000 other green-tech phalli in America (size, color, performance, and availability may vary) that the approximately 152,000,000 women in America can take advantage of pretty much whenever they please. And if the women that are left over (there is a deficit of 4,000,000 green-tech phalli due to the disparity between the male and female populations) still feel the urge to satisfy their primal carvings in a carbon-neutral manner, they can always turn away from the green-tech and more toward the green grocer. Let’s face it; men have taken second banana to most bananas for millennia. When you toss in the vegetable portion of the food pyramid (the zucchinis, cucumbers, eggplants, and pretty much any other cylindrically shaped veggies of the world) the plant kingdom has the men beat hands down.
If it weren’t for the fact that we squash bugs and open jars women probably wouldn’t bother with us at all.
Nothing Better
Monday, December 7th, 2009Okay, it may be just my personal, humble opinion but I think there is absolutely nothing better than watching women in burqas trying to eat spaghetti. I think the guy sitting behind them agrees with me.
I think there is no more clear sign that Islam is a misogynist religion and that Muslim men hate women than the idea of a burqa-clad woman trying to eat pasta in public. Although if I were a Muslim woman I would wear a burqa all the time… it cuts down on the scarring when you get acid thrown in your face for attending school.
